Dunno 'bout you, but I can't (consciously) kill a spider. I'm forever taking a drinking glass and a sheet of paper to apply my rescue and relocation (R&R) technique. I put the glass carefully over the fella, making sure I don't squish any über skinny legs, and then very gently and incrementally slide the sheet of paper in under the glass until the emigrating arachnid is safely ensconced in the resulting capsule. We then blast off for a safe nook in the garden or against an outside structure if I intuit a penchant for urbanisation.
To the horror of those around me, I steadfastly refuse to allow an overnight cobweb to be vacuumed or feather dusted. So my study is progressively taking on the appearance of a Hollywood kiddies' scary movie set. I value the role these chaps play is nailing Braamfontein Spruit mozzies in summer and an odd assortment of midges and other noo-noos in winter.
The trigger for this posting is that one has, I am totally convinced, been sent by Bill Gates. OK, Steve Ballmer then. I now have a spider located underneath a shelf directly above the keyboard of my notebook computer docking station. He descends on an ultra slender thread to pause within centimetres of my tapping fingers. Now of course, you've heard of keystroke-logging spyware devices, but what a crafty mechanism when you have a seemingly real spider with a pair of mini binoculars, physically positioned above the victim's keyboard. He has a spider's eye view of exactly what I'm typing and what websites I'm surfing. Even if he is reading them upside down. But then maybe his binocs are those fancy prism jobs used by the US military. Who said it was only Dick Cheney who had Halliburton connections?
If you think I'm just being paranoid - the moment I focused my digital camera on him to take a pic for this posting, he scuttled to the back of the shelf and disappeared. Now if that isn't proof...
I now have one more stress in my day. What if, as is my wont, I thoughtlessly snap closed the lid of my notebook and rush off to a meeting – to arrive at said destination with a splatter surrounded by eight threads on my keyboard? A la a pressed flower book. Bill or Steve could at least have equipped the little guy with motion sensors that emit a beep when one gets too close to him.
What's the point of this posting? Please don't squash spiders. Not only is it unkind, disrespectful and cruel, but you're messing badly with Microsoft's qualitative research program on consumer patterns in Africa. Have a nice day now, y'all. ;-)
Posted by Clive Simpkins
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