There’s absolutely no doubt that you can
grow or develop your emotional intelligence (EI or EQ) significantly. It’s an
issue of choice – not of aptitude. It’s often written about from an academic
perspective, or in a way that makes it sound like a mission to acquire or
develop. This is not so. EI is actually quite easy to enhance and the resulting
mental balance, stress-reduction and energy-improvement benefits are
substantial.
Whilst IQ tests are a largely discredited and
culture-specific measure of development potential, someone with the same
cognitive ability but good emotional intelligence is almost certain to more successful
– even if only in the social and relationships arena. Well-developed EI is a
characteristic of good counsellors, mediators, negotiators, communicators,
educators, leaders, mentors and coaches – among others.
The prefix ‘inter’ means ‘between’. So interpersonal
communication means communication between people. ‘Intra’ means ‘inside of’. So intrapersonal communication means
you communicating with yourself. Talking to yourself, understanding yourself,
nurturing yourself, being in touch and in tune with who and what you are. In a
nutshell, self-understanding, self-communication and therefore better mood and
impulse management. This is the heart of emotional intelligence –
‘self-regulation’. It’s a combination of self-awareness and a skills-set that
allow us to respond effectively to a wide variety of situations.
If you complete an American-designed
emotional intelligence assessment on the Internet or elsewhere in the world,
you might well emerge with a skewed profile. Social sophistication, tradition
and culture-specific norms all have an impact on whether you are perceived to
enjoy EI. So context becomes important. Emotionally intelligent behaviour in
one cluster, culture or country, might well be considered unassertive or
inappropriate in another. So be cautious of taking some simplistic ‘answer the
following 10 questions’ quickie route.
Not that you need an assessment to know whether
you’re emotionally intelligent or not. Because you and others will be able
easily to observe it in your daily interactions and relationships. But if you
would like to explore growth areas within EI, then consider the Reuven BarOn
assessment.
Stress or trauma will reduce anyone’s
ability to behave in a resourceful and mature way. When we’re running on
emotional empty, it’s not easy to behave as diplomatically and calmly as former
UN secretary general, Kofi Annan. If your emotional cookie jar is almost empty,
you’re unable to function well in the cookie distribution business. In times of
emotional famine, you need to be receiving emotional support – not trying to
give it away.
One of the simplest measures of emotional
intelligence is impulse control. At the opposite and equally inappropriate end
of the impulsiveness continuum is indecisiveness or risk-aversion. Where you’re
afraid to make decisions or take risks. However, let’s focus on impulsiveness.
That’s our inability to manage responses and delay self-gratification.
Examples: 1) You see something in a shop
and you simply have to have it, regardless of the over-spend on your credit
card, or the fact that you don’t really need it. 2) You’re battling to shed a
few unwanted kilos but make two trips to the dessert trolley at a business
luncheon. If, added to this, your moods fluctuate a great deal and others are
easily able to ‘wind you up’ or ‘get you going’, there’s an EI development
opportunity awaiting you.
Don’t cave in to every demand from your
children. It will help them to build a solid foundation of EI. Encourage them
to share, be generous, have empathy, and treat others with kindness. Don’t give
them everything on a platter. Make them work for it. Reward, when it’s
immediate and without personal effort or ‘sweat equity’ is the enemy of EI and
its development. ‘Spoiling’ children, means just that. They grow up as
obnoxious, egocentric individuals suffering from a severe dose of what I call
the IMM syndrome – I, Me and Mine. That will be their focus and indeed their
locus of ‘non-control’ and poor self-management.
A common manifestation of low EI is chronic
anger. Anger is generally a symptom of frustrated desire. So you’ll be quick to
fly off the handle when things don’t go your way. You’ll experience road rage.
You’ll spend valuable time apologising, repairing fractured friendships and damaged
self-esteem in your colleagues and you may also experience high levels of
guilt.
I’ve
developed a simple model (see above) for developing EI whilst moderating and modulating how
we behave. 1) Become more aware of your thinking process. 2) When something
happens to disturb your equilibrium, or someone says something irritating,
observe both your rational (thoughts) and your emotional (feelings) response to
it. 3) Then (clearly only with the more important issues and not everyday
trivia), make a conscious choice as to how you’ll respond. 4) Then and then
only, make the response.
That way, you choose the action and the
outcome. That puts you in charge of the process. Animals have little or no
choice. We have an intellect with which to discern and discriminate. Use it. You’ll
experience lower levels of conflict that will reduce stress and dramatically
enhance your energy levels as a consequence.
http://www.imbizo.com
Headline (yes, a new one!) from The Times 30th Jan '08. This despite overseas and this country's top economists saying we're losing hundreds of millions to billions per day. Whatever else he doesn't do, the smart-Alec doesn't let go of an ideological viewpoint in a rush. He and Thabo have that in common when they fixate on a dissident stance.
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