Whilst IQ tests are a largely discredited and
culture-specific measure of development potential, someone with the same
cognitive ability but good emotional intelligence is almost certain to more successful
– even if only in the social and relationships arena. Well-developed EI is a
characteristic of good counsellors, mediators, negotiators, communicators,
educators, leaders, mentors and coaches – among others.
The prefix ‘inter’ means ‘between’. So interpersonal communication means communication between people. ‘Intra’ means ‘inside of’. So intrapersonal communication means you communicating with yourself. Talking to yourself, understanding yourself, nurturing yourself, being in touch and in tune with who and what you are. In a nutshell, self-understanding, self-communication and therefore better mood and impulse management. This is the heart of emotional intelligence – ‘self-regulation’. It’s a combination of self-awareness and a skills-set that allow us to respond effectively to a wide variety of situations.
If you complete an American-designed emotional intelligence assessment on the Internet or elsewhere in the world, you might well emerge with a skewed profile. Social sophistication, tradition and culture-specific norms all have an impact on whether you are perceived to enjoy EI. So context becomes important. Emotionally intelligent behaviour in one cluster, culture or country, might well be considered unassertive or inappropriate in another. So be cautious of taking some simplistic ‘answer the following 10 questions’ quickie route.
Not that you need an assessment to know whether you’re emotionally intelligent or not. Because you and others will be able easily to observe it in your daily interactions and relationships. But if you would like to explore growth areas within EI, then consider the Reuven BarOn assessment.
Stress or trauma will reduce anyone’s ability to behave in a resourceful and mature way. When we’re running on emotional empty, it’s not easy to behave as diplomatically and calmly as former UN secretary general, Kofi Annan. If your emotional cookie jar is almost empty, you’re unable to function well in the cookie distribution business. In times of emotional famine, you need to be receiving emotional support – not trying to give it away.
One of the simplest measures of emotional intelligence is impulse control. At the opposite and equally inappropriate end of the impulsiveness continuum is indecisiveness or risk-aversion. Where you’re afraid to make decisions or take risks. However, let’s focus on impulsiveness. That’s our inability to manage responses and delay self-gratification.
Examples: 1) You see something in a shop and you simply have to have it, regardless of the over-spend on your credit card, or the fact that you don’t really need it. 2) You’re battling to shed a few unwanted kilos but make two trips to the dessert trolley at a business luncheon. If, added to this, your moods fluctuate a great deal and others are easily able to ‘wind you up’ or ‘get you going’, there’s an EI development opportunity awaiting you.
Don’t cave in to every demand from your children. It will help them to build a solid foundation of EI. Encourage them to share, be generous, have empathy, and treat others with kindness. Don’t give them everything on a platter. Make them work for it. Reward, when it’s immediate and without personal effort or ‘sweat equity’ is the enemy of EI and its development. ‘Spoiling’ children, means just that. They grow up as obnoxious, egocentric individuals suffering from a severe dose of what I call the IMM syndrome – I, Me and Mine. That will be their focus and indeed their locus of ‘non-control’ and poor self-management.
A common manifestation of low EI is chronic anger. Anger is generally a symptom of frustrated desire. So you’ll be quick to fly off the handle when things don’t go your way. You’ll experience road rage. You’ll spend valuable time apologising, repairing fractured friendships and damaged self-esteem in your colleagues and you may also experience high levels of guilt.
I’ve developed a simple model (see above) for developing EI whilst moderating and modulating how we behave. 1) Become more aware of your thinking process. 2) When something happens to disturb your equilibrium, or someone says something irritating, observe both your rational (thoughts) and your emotional (feelings) response to it. 3) Then (clearly only with the more important issues and not everyday trivia), make a conscious choice as to how you’ll respond. 4) Then and then only, make the response.
That way, you choose the action and the outcome. That puts you in charge of the process. Animals have little or no choice. We have an intellect with which to discern and discriminate. Use it. You’ll experience lower levels of conflict that will reduce stress and dramatically enhance your energy levels as a consequence.
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