The way you carry yourself speaks volumes
about your internal state of being. Non-verbal communication hasn’t been dubbed
‘body language’ for nothing. The implication is that it speaks about you all
the time. It’s an arena of human behaviour fraught with anecdote and
misinformation. But if you’re aware of some important aspects, you’ll be aware
of the unconscious messages you might send to other people.
Good psychotherapists take their body language cues from the people opposite them. Sitting in a not-too-dissimilar posture and composition from the person opposite is a quick way of exhibiting simpatico and empathy. It’s also referred to in neurolinguistic and other terms as being in a state of rapport or ‘mirroring’ the physiology and behaviour of the other person. Provided it’s done with sensitivity and a positive, constructive intention, it can be an effective way of matching their state and then moving them to a more beneficial one. Clumsily or manipulatively executed, it will lead to immediate hostility as they cotton on to what you’re doing.
Try to maintain open limb postures, in which your legs don’t cross and your arms don’t come across the front of your torso, at least in the initial phases of a communications encounter. Release and move from your shoulders - avoid locking elbows to your sides. Although not meaning anything specific on their own, these more receptive looking positions will make you feel less defensive or protective and it’ll have a positive impact on the other person.
Remember that your carriage reflects your state of mind to some or other extent. It’s the oldest aspect of medicine known to human-kind. Psycho-somatic. What happens in the mind will have an impact on the body. What the body does, will have an impact on the mind – that’s called bio-feedback. It’s used extensively by athletes.
Body language is very context, circumstantial and culture-specific. So gesture, movement and posture that signals one thing in a Eurocentric, Caucasian-dominated culture, may well signal the exact opposite, or nothing, in other cultures. Drawing quick, clichéd or stereotyped conclusions from someone else’s body language is hazardous.
Habit is the delightful booby trap built into non-verbal communication. Before you assume that someone sitting or standing with crossed arms is ‘closed off’ to those around them or rejecting a message, ask yourself whether they might be cold, or have heartburn. Or whether it’s just their habit. People sometimes even adopt specific body postures because they have old sports injuries, arthritis, a pinched nerve in the lumbar spine and so on. You need to be literate in the territory of non-verbal, or be around people for some time, before you’re able to draw accurate inferences.
We often fold arms, hug our own elbows, rub a shoulder or straighten our clothing as a ‘self-caress’. If a child is uncomfortable, threatened or uncertain, someone will typically hold their hand or pat a shoulder, saying ‘Don’t worry, it’ll be OK.’ When we’re older, we often ‘self-caress’ under similar circumstances. This also leads to someone holding their own hand, crossed in front of the body, in a “figleaf” position.
I always say to clients who want to ‘get into body language’, “Worry more about your own non-verbal than that of others. If you’re signalling appropriate openness, sensitivity, empathy and non-hostility, you’ll have a positive impact on them, and in turn on their body-language.
If your conscious brain is ticking away, attempting to analyse someone’s body behaviour, you’re not focussing on the actual communication. You’re using part of your neurological ‘band width’ (message-carrying capacity) to monitor what’s going on, at conscious brain level. That will dramatically reduce your ability to listen well, pick up intuitive cues or be natural and authentic.
One of the most common erroneous views expressed is that if someone touches their face during a communication, they’re lying. Not necessarily so. The pop psychology books will tell you that: If you touch your nose you’re lying, touch an eye and it means ‘I’ve seen enough of you’, touch an ear and it means ‘I’ve heard enough from you.’ Touch the nape of the neck and it means ‘You’re a pain in the neck.’ These are facile and totally misleading signposts. Non-verbal will almost always occur in a little cluster of activities, which will only then have meaning or relevance. Always remember to take into account, culture, context and circumstances (the three C’s) when observing someone else. If you don’t, you might just be wandering up a blind alley.
Another stereotype is that someone ‘picking lint’ off their clothes, disapproves of you. Nonsense. I sat opposite a client who straightened his tie, crossed and uncrossed his legs and picked non-existent lint off his clothes for three sessions. Eventually, I gently asked him if he was aware that he might be suffering from Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD). He was a tad startled by the question but as we discussed it we realised that his repetitive behaviours extended destructively into other areas of his life. He went on, successfully, to do something about it.
Let’s look at some culture-specific non-verbal differences: In the western world, we regard eye contact as one of the most important behaviours in interpersonal communication. We believe it demonstrates the candour and integrity of our intent. That people who don’t make a high level of eye contact, are unassertive or shifty. Wrong.
In Afrocentric, Indian, Thai and Japanese cultures (to name just a few) eye contact is interpreted quite differently. Sustained, plug-in, very direct and intense eye contact would be considered rude. The averted gaze or low level of eye contact signals deference, respect, non-aggression, absence of a challenge. Japanese businessmen sometimes have to undergo special training to use the kind of eye contact that is considered essential in an American-dominated negotiation.
When you encounter a low level of eye contact in someone else, reduce your own eye contact to create empathy. Talk briefly into the person’s eyes, let your eyes move to an object elsewhere in the room, touch the floor, re-connect briefly with your low-eye-contact counterpart and so on. Until a higher level of comfort is established and you’re able to hold their gaze for longer. If, every time they look up, you’re there, boring into their souls with your baby blues, you’re going to make them very uncomfortable. They will also undoubtedly regard you as insensitive, aggressive or intimidating. Which will be true, if you haven’t bothered to find out how to behave ‘when in Rome.’ You will exhibit insularity and a lack of care.
Touching a Thai child’s head will give rise to great offence in a religious family. Their belief is that the head is the seat of the Buddha. You defile it by touching it. In like vein, using your flattened and down-turned palm to indicate the height of a child is offensive to many black South Africans. That gesture would typically only be used to indicate the height of an animal. For a child, you’d hold the hand, slightly cupped and palm-up. The top of your hand – now facing downwards, would indicate the height being discussed.
Pointing is considered a no-no in many cultures. Using a wiggling index finger to summon a waiter in a restaurant is another baddie. In the west, pointing and making fists is an accepted part of what we consider assertive behaviour. That same behaviour in other cultures may be considered rude or aggressive.
The circle formed by a closed thumb and index finger is often used by South Africans, the British and also American people to indicate ‘great’, ‘superb’ or ‘that was good.’ The French use that very same symbol to indicate a zero! Nothing, poor, worthless. So if a Parisian exits an opera and you ask about the performance, you might totally misinterpret the response if she or he gives the thumb’n forefinger gesture. You’ll think they were impressed, when the opposite is true.
Giving or accepting something with your left hand is unthinkable in most Hindu or Islamic cultures, as in Africa and elsewhere. The left hand is often used in non western cultures to wash strategic body parts after going to the loo. It’s therefore very rude or an insult to give or receive with that hand. You may have noticed in many cultures, the ‘abbreviated’ two-hand acceptance. The right hand will be extended to give or receive, and the left will be used to touch the right arm in the vicinity of the elbow. This has become a common substitute for the cupped two-hander.
Extending your hand to greet a Muslim woman wearing a bourka (head scarf), yashmak (face mask) and chador (kaftan-like long body garment) will also cause offence. Wearing that garb indicates that she’s observing purdah – which means only her husband or immediate family may see or touch her body.
Vocal volume and pitch (the high and low of
voice) play a significant role. A reasonably rapid, low pitched, well-projected
(for which read clearly audible in volume terms) voice is considered assertive
and authoritative in the west. In eastern countries it may well be regarded as
loud and boorish. In Japan and China, high-pitched voices are considered to be polite. Ouch!
Ronald Reagan and Margaret Thatcher were both trained to manage hostility by responding with an altered voice pattern. You go down in volume, down in pitch (getting deeper), slow down in pace. You start to emphasise the m, n and ng sounds. So the speech starts to produce a ‘mmmm’, ‘mmmmm’ pattern. It’s the vocal equivalent of a soothing physical touch or stroke. It signals an absence of hostility, and telegraphs caring, empathy and a desire to soothe or placate. Powerful stuff, if well used, in confrontations.
The late Princess Diana raised eyebrows in the Middle East, by sitting with crossed legs and having the sole of her shoe facing an important person. The interpretation is that you’re being insulting. Metaphorically speaking, you’re trampling the other person underfoot.
Taking up a reasonable amount of space and
using large or expansive gestures would be considered assertive, commanding and
normal in Eurocentric terms. In Asian cultures, that would be seen as
domineering. There is a correlation between the physical space available to
specific culture groups and their use of that space and gestures within it.
That makes logical sense. If you make grand gestures in a Tokyo subway train (functionally impossible, since you're jammed tight), you'd hit several people close to you. In the Australian Outback or the wide spaces of Texas or Africa, there wouldn't be the same risk.
Complaining about something like that is allowing too culture-specific an element to get in the way of effective communication. In Eurocentric expectations and terms, if you enter a room, you would be expected to initiate the greeting. Whinging about the greeting issue is about as pointless as a Portuguese business person complaining that they’re not playing Fado music over dessert, or an Iranian businessman bemoaning the absence of a hookah water pipe, in an Italian restaurant on Fifth Avenue in New York.
Like it or not, our obligation is this: Be sensitive to the cultural framework within which you’re going to function. Ask, study, find out about it – or risk giving offence. But when it comes to your own culture, accept that others may not have your sensitivity and egalitarianism. They may well do things that upset or offend you. See it as part of your emotional growth in being able to manage your reactions.
This article was first published in Moneyweb Digest, on www.moneyweb.co.za on the AllAfrica media network, the McGraw Hill educational library in 2003 and appears as a module in McGraw Hill’s ‘PowerWeb’ Social Psychology.
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