Clive Simpkins

Calm, convert and conquer your anger

(Excerpted from Change Your Thinking Change Your Life, by Clive Simpkins, published 2003)

 

Anger is the result of frustrated desire. I often hear people say, "He made me so angry!" or "I couldn't help being livid!" or "It just happens before I even know it!"  These statements put the blame for becoming angry on someone else, or on circumstances. The good news is that you can, if you wish, minimise anger almost immediately. With a little time and effort you can overcome it and manage or convert (sublimate) the energy you might have wasted on anger, into something more useful.

Anger is the result of frustrated desire. The steps to it are short and swift. You start off by having a desire or wish. Nothing wrong with that, but when you add impetus, energy or concentration to that desire it develops quickly into a demand. As soon as the demand encounters frustration, you're into anger. The simple solution would be to say, "Then don't be demanding." But as we all know, that's a lot easier said than done.

It's helpful to go back a few steps in the observation of our thought patterns. Some of our "thinking" is not at conscious brain level at all. We have lots of packages, audio and video tapes, CD ROMs, flash discs, e-mails, memos, letters and documents in the subconscious mind. They may have been recorded, filed, archived or stored there many years ago. Yet they can still negatively influence our thinking and responses in certain situations.

Whether or not we're aware of it, any behaviour starts off with thought. That thought creates a second level of activity, which is feeling or emotion. At that stage, we may "feel" angry, depressed, humiliated or whatever. But the feeling was preceded by an internal (self-talk) discussion. Perhaps along the lines of, "How could he speak to me like that? He's got some nerve!" We might not even be aware of this internal dialogue, but we'll experience the result, as emotion.

Our emotions inevitably translate into a third level - behaviour that's visible to others. In some people, it's like viewing a synoptic chart. A high pressure system here, a depression there! The sequence then, is thoughts-feelings-behaviour, much like an archery target. Thoughts are in the centre, surrounded by feelings or emotions, with behaviour being external - the biggest, most visible circle of all.

When we're upset, we're out of control, low on constructive resources, illogical, and it may take hours to return to a state of equilibrium. Meantime, we may have caused significant or even irreparable hurt through what we said when angry.

Here's a suggestion: start noticing which comments or thoughts irritate you. What it is that makes you flare into anger. Become aware of their presence in your mind - only sooner than you did previously. That you even notice them now is a significant step forward in the direction of anger management, control or conversion.

You'll reach a stage of awareness where you'll catch the thought early enough to make a conscious decision not to get angry. You'll choose an alternative to stay in balance, equilibrium or harmony.

Having observed and then caught the thought bubble, you'll be into the management phase of your thinking. Instead of other people or circumstances "pressing your buttons" or "making" you angry, you'll now enjoy a choice in your response. One choice is not to be angry. If you are angry, it'll be because you choose to be.

You won't have an immediate one hundred percent success rate. This is an incremental self-awareness and growth exercise and hiccups will occur. Control of your thoughts, emotions, behaviour and mind, will though, be taken out of the hands of other people, and given back to the rightful custodian – you. It'll be a relief and an energy saver.

 

Criticism and self-esteem

 

Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent – Eleanor Roosevelt.

Being able to deal well with criticism from colleagues, friends or those you love is a sign of emotional intelligence (EI or EQ) and maturity. The single most common effect of criticism is that it can easily and negatively impact on your sense of self worth. If you've given clients or people in general permission to influence your self-esteem, you're vulnerable to damage.

Self-esteem is the value we privately place on ourselves - and it's a feeling. You may perceive yourself to be a competent, worthy person, or you might consider yourself to be unattractive, without special merit, inferior, unassertive, socially unskilled or the like. The range of choices is wide. We choose whether our self-worth is internally developed, maintained and championed - or whether it's at the mercy of vested interests or the distorted personal agendas of other people.

There's a relevant story told from the life of the Buddha. It is said that a man began abusing him. The Buddha didn't respond. This made the man even angrier. Eventually he raged, 'How can you remain so tranquil when I abuse you so?' The Buddha looked at him calmly and said, 'If you offered me a plate of food, and I refused to accept the plate, the food remains yours.' The same principle applies to criticism.

Critics are usually unhappy, unbalanced people. Generally trying to make themselves stand taller by trampling on the self-worth of those they crush underfoot. They're usually incapable of seeing the potential or the positive upside of a situation or idea. To quote thinker and philosopher Ralph Waldo Emerson, 'Taking to pieces is the trade of those who cannot construct.' That's them. Criticism can reveal inappropriate competitiveness or jealousy. Jealousy is the direct product of a sense of inferiority. Inferiority is the outcome of poor self-esteem. So, it's a vicious downward cycle. Critics don't realise that each time they attack someone or something they're exposing and further undermining their own impoverished sense of self-worth.

How should we respond to criticism? I use a simple evaluation mechanism in my own life. If the criticism consistently comes from just one person, I ignore it. They need to be in a hospital ward marked 'Self-esteem repair unit.' However, if the criticisms and observations come from a variety of sources in different circumstances, the chances are that they're valid. I then take them seriously and have, over the years changed many things that I do or say, as a consequence. 

If you're a contrarian or  pioneer in any shape or form, ahead of your time in thinking or innovation terms, you'll inevitably be attacked. Swami Vivekananda referred to the three phases through which new ideas have to pass: Rejection, ridicule and then acceptance. Understanding this makes it easier to handle the lack of receptivity or criticism you'll encounter from some quarters.

If you allow the critic's words to have a negative impact on you, you're giving her or him permission to manage your self-esteem on your behalf. Considering they're not doing too good a job in their own self-worth department, this just doesn't make sense! Remember that bad behaviour of any sort is a symptom of physical, emotional or psychological pain. They're in pain - don't add to it - but also, don't collude with it.

Criticism can be a useful self-management barometer. Listen to what people say and engage in a bit of introspection. It's an effective way to keep your ego in check. There's a fine line between ignoring the views of other people and being seriously affected by absolutely everything they have to say. Finding and maintaining a balance is the key.

Teaching children how to cope with criticism is a healthy early-life lesson. Quite frequently, our most damaging self-esteem messages are embedded in our formative years. They may be related, as were mine, to impoverished financial circumstances, obesity and a lack of athleticism. Being able to review past messages and press the 'delete' or 'overwrite' button is an important self-esteem and mental health skill. Make sure you remain in charge of it.

 

 http://clivesimpkins.brandyourself.com/

Clive Simpkins

 

Caving in to pressure

You're 'your own person', right? You make your own choices, decisions and you don't get bullied or pressured into doing anything you don't want to. Like changing an opinion. Or do you? Let's see.

I arrived - exhausted from 5 hours of driving - at a Drakensberg mountains resort. I was scheduled to run a workshop on leadership development the following morning. I was hungry, thirsty and first prize would have been checking into my room and enjoying an hour or two of peace and quiet before the evening meal. But that was not to be. I'd been getting SMSs en route from the client HR exec, asking 'Where are you?' He insisted that I 'join them for a drink' in the pub. OK, I thought, even though I don't drink alcohol, I can park my own needs for a bit and go make 'em happy. It would also give me a chance to get a feel for the group I would work with the next day. My, my, what a feel it was.

In the pub I found a fully-fledged 'initiation' session underway. New reps and other hapless staff members who had not previously undergone the rite of passage demanded by the thuggish majority in the sales department, were being dragooned into the following: Insert a raw, unbroken chicken egg into mouth. Without opening mouth, break the shell, swallow the contents, spit out the shell, tilt head backwards, open mouth and someone would shake a hearty dash of Tabasco sauce into it. This was followed by a shooter of alcohol. Like a bunch of school boys in a rugby locker room, they were roaring their drunken encouragement, derision or approval as a variety of people gagged during the ritual, sometimes barely moments away from an embarrassing vomiting episode.

As I was introduced so there were chants of 'initiation, initiation, initiation'. Someone approached me with an egg in one hand and a Tabasco bottle in the other. There was an expectant murmur in anticipation of me enduring the process. I quietly stood my ground and simply shook my head. The pub fell totally silent. This wasn't in the script. Everyone else had complied and here was the one fellow who was going to be troublesome. They had (so they thought) a foolproof technique, they started jeering and catcalling, saying 'chicken, chicken, chicken'. Clearly the feathered creatures featured highly in their subconscious database for some or other reason. Again the pub fell silent – many of them now had smug expressions on their faces signaling , 'Well, let's see him cop out of this now.'

Quietly but well-projected enough for everyone to hear I said, 'Thanks for the kind invitation, but first up, I've been vegetarian for forty years and I don't eat eggs. Secondly, I'm your guest facilitator on leadership tomorrow and this exercise is going to provide us with some wonderful material on a variety of fronts related to your leadership skills. Absolutely nothing you can say or do will force me to eat that egg or swallow Tabasco. Because I choose not to.' There was a very uncomfortable atmosphere for a few minutes and then the minority of socially skilled people in the pub tried really hard to pick up the conversation and get back to their mood of unrestrained jollity. I excused myself to the MD after one soft drink and said I'd see them at supper later. I have no doubt that my lack of being a sport, being a killjoy and all sorts of other aspersions must have kept the conversational wires buzzing once I left. It didn't concern me.

Supper was uneventful, except for people getting even more intoxicated. The truth of a saying from one of my young female clients struck me. She says: 'When guys pack for a conference, they pack another personality along with their clothes.' Pretty true – in the main.

The following morning I laid into this thuggish, hung-over crowd in no uncertain way. We spent significant time discussing corporate culture, reputation, image and a host of other topics related to their totally unacceptable and socially insensitive behaviour. That they wanted to impose their lack of sophistication upon people in their organization was bad enough. That they attempted to do so with an external service provider was completely beyond the pale.

What can we learn from this? Learn to say no. Don't allow your values, beliefs, attitudes, perceptions or behaviour to be compromised simply because the 'herd' wishes to impose its will. A sign of character and guts is refusing to fold or cave in to peer pressure and being comfortable dealing with the consequences. I hope you find the strength to do so.

Erwin takes 'positive affirmations' to new heights

Headline (yes, a new one!) from The Times 30th Jan '08. This despite overseas and this country's top economists saying we're losing hundreds of millions to billions per day. Whatever else he doesn't do, the smart-Alec doesn't let go of an ideological viewpoint in a rush. He and Thabo have that in common when they fixate on a dissident stance.

I think I've worked out what Smart-Alec Erwin is doing. He's using Mike Lipkin-type positive affirmations in the belief that if he just keeps repeating his mantra, reality is going to conform to his fantasy. Or do you think he's repeating, 'Persistent effort is the keynote to success' or like little Tommy the toy train, 'I think I can, I think I can, I know I can.' Sigh.

When is Jacob Zuma gonna shaft this man? Now where did I put my voodoo doll.....

Imbizo.com

Lower stress and raise your energy with Emotional Intelligence

 There’s absolutely no doubt that you can grow or develop your emotional intelligence (EI or EQ) significantly. It’s an issue of choice – not of aptitude. It’s often written about from an academic perspective, or in a way that makes it sound like a mission to acquire or develop. This is not so. EI is actually quite easy to enhance and the resulting mental balance, stress-reduction and energy-improvement benefits are substantial.

 
Whilst IQ tests are a largely discredited and culture-specific measure of development potential, someone with the same cognitive ability but good emotional intelligence is almost certain to more successful – even if only in the social and relationships arena. Well-developed EI is a characteristic of good counsellors, mediators, negotiators, communicators, educators, leaders, mentors and coaches – among others.

The prefix ‘inter’ means ‘between’. So interpersonal communication means communication between people. ‘Intra’ means ‘inside of’. So intrapersonal communication means you communicating with yourself. Talking to yourself, understanding yourself, nurturing yourself, being in touch and in tune with who and what you are. In a nutshell, self-understanding, self-communication and therefore better mood and impulse management. This is the heart of emotional intelligence – ‘self-regulation’. It’s a combination of self-awareness and a skills-set that allow us to respond effectively to a wide variety of situations.

If you complete an American-designed emotional intelligence assessment on the Internet or elsewhere in the world, you might well emerge with a skewed profile. Social sophistication, tradition and culture-specific norms all have an impact on whether you are perceived to enjoy EI. So context becomes important. Emotionally intelligent behaviour in one cluster, culture or country, might well be considered unassertive or inappropriate in another. So be cautious of taking some simplistic ‘answer the following 10 questions’ quickie route.

Not that you need an assessment to know whether you’re emotionally intelligent or not. Because you and others will be able easily to observe it in your daily interactions and relationships. But if you would like to explore growth areas within EI, then consider the Reuven BarOn assessment.

Stress or trauma will reduce anyone’s ability to behave in a resourceful and mature way. When we’re running on emotional empty, it’s not easy to behave as diplomatically and calmly as former UN secretary general, Kofi Annan. If your emotional cookie jar is almost empty, you’re unable to function well in the cookie distribution business. In times of emotional famine, you need to be receiving emotional support – not trying to give it away.

One of the simplest measures of emotional intelligence is impulse control. At the opposite and equally inappropriate end of the impulsiveness continuum is indecisiveness or risk-aversion. Where you’re afraid to make decisions or take risks. However, let’s focus on impulsiveness. That’s our inability to manage responses and delay self-gratification.

Examples: 1) You see something in a shop and you simply have to have it, regardless of the over-spend on your credit card, or the fact that you don’t really need it. 2) You’re battling to shed a few unwanted kilos but make two trips to the dessert trolley at a business luncheon. If, added to this, your moods fluctuate a great deal and others are easily able to ‘wind you up’ or ‘get you going’, there’s an EI development opportunity awaiting you.

Don’t cave in to every demand from your children. It will help them to build a solid foundation of EI. Encourage them to share, be generous, have empathy, and treat others with kindness. Don’t give them everything on a platter. Make them work for it. Reward, when it’s immediate and without personal effort or ‘sweat equity’ is the enemy of EI and its development. ‘Spoiling’ children, means just that. They grow up as obnoxious, egocentric individuals suffering from a severe dose of what I call the IMM syndrome – I, Me and Mine. That will be their focus and indeed their locus of ‘non-control’ and poor self-management.

A common manifestation of low EI is chronic anger. Anger is generally a symptom of frustrated desire. So you’ll be quick to fly off the handle when things don’t go your way. You’ll experience road rage. You’ll spend valuable time apologising, repairing fractured friendships and damaged self-esteem in your colleagues and you may also experience high levels of guilt.

I’ve developed a simple model (see above) for developing EI whilst moderating and modulating how we behave. 1) Become more aware of your thinking process. 2) When something happens to disturb your equilibrium, or someone says something irritating, observe both your rational (thoughts) and your emotional (feelings) response to it. 3) Then (clearly only with the more important issues and not everyday trivia), make a conscious choice as to how you’ll respond. 4) Then and then only, make the response.

That way, you choose the action and the outcome. That puts you in charge of the process. Animals have little or no choice. We have an intellect with which to discern and discriminate. Use it. You’ll experience lower levels of conflict that will reduce stress and dramatically enhance your energy levels as a consequence.

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